The meaning of NOW

Just because this thing's inside me
doesn't mean I chose this path
a path I accept but did not choose
I still want to be silly and young
I remember being careless
oh how I wish I could smile again
My muscles tense
teeth clench
as these never ending tears come again
it's like I'm spiraling downward
falling backwards
losing control
and there's nothing, absolutely nothing
I can do
I'm wishing life wasn't so serious
I'm tired of putting on this stern face
I long to smile, to really laugh
I did once
possibilities are slim to none
and this frown remains