Back from the dead and still going

Beat. Pause. Beat Beat.
oh I have been through hell
my poor little heart has been picked up
thrown down
drop kicked
punted
punched
ripped apart
and sewn back together
more times than I'd like to count
it rides on rollercoasters of emotions
spilling its contents after stepping through the gate
its been taken for granted and ignored
it's been both excited and bored

yet through it all it manages to get by
and my calloused little heart continues to beat

Beat. Pause. Beat Beat.

priority mail: first class

I'm so happy
that I can finally see
I thought I knew
there was something that pulled at the back of my mind
I tried to ignore it
tried to tell myself it's not true
but now the blinders are off and I see the real you
you don't know what you want
with anything
I didn't expect you to know what you wanted out of life
I wasn't going to put the bar that high for you
but you could at least have your friends somewhat figured out by now
next time don't make plans you know you can't keep
and don't tell me you didn't see this coming
I knew before I even asked you
I took a chance and had everything shoved right back in my face

So I will go alone
I will brave the roads by myself
Sing along to my CDs by myself for 12 hours straight
and when I get there I won't have a single thought of what you're missing out on
because I know who my real friends are
they are my priority mail: first class
and I am obviously just your junk mail

Calendars

I opened up the little book
and stared at it's pages
all of the numbers blurred
time runs together
and makes no difference
minutes becomes hours
hours become days
and the days bleed into months and months of frustration
how many more days can I count?
How much longer can I wait?
No longer can I tell whether time is running backwards or forwards
or if it's stopped all together
time pases in a haze
and I'm so confused

I need you to pull me to safety
Tell me what time it is
because I think it's time for us
to stop putting life on hold

Going Blind

Today I saw your reflection in the lake
but the sun caught my eye and I turned away
when I looked back you had disappeared
I thought the sun should have blinded me
to save me from seeing your face
mocking me in the water and dancing away
a cold breeze swept through the valley
when you disappeared
I was cold and you weren't there to keep me warm
you laughed as I shielded my eyes
from the sun as you ran away
You tempt me every day
with your reflection
somedays I wish it were real
then you disappear and all my hope is lost
to the depths of that murky water
I don't think you quite understand...
I would give up everything I have right now
just for you
yet you still mock me
and continue to fade away

please show ID at the door

Why is it that
I can have so much
and still be so unhappy?
I feel so selfish
so rude
like I'm doing something wrong
Who am I to think my life is so horrible?
When clearly the lives of those around me are so much worse
I have everything I could ever need
but it's nothing I want
It's all in the wrong context
the wrong place
the wrong time
these characters in my story don't match their description
and the plot line is all wrong
why do I care?
I'm one who lives life unscripted
Yet all of this is altered from what I imagine
There's no starting over
and I'd only make things worse
if I gave all of this up
So what do I do now?
Do I wait?
Standing in anticipation of the day
that things go the way I want them to
The way I dream
All of this is killing me
I smile and laugh
but later I think it might all be fake
I don't know if I'm acting anymore
and I don't know if I'm being genuine
I'm scared
The lines have blurred
I can't tell the real me from the fake me
This is an identity crisis

liars, cheats, and things in between

maybe i think too much
perhaps i let my mind wander far more than i should
hidden between every word you say
i hear lies
a sense that the words coming from your lips are just words
i cant help but feel like this is just a game
something you laugh about when i'm not there
i'm so afraid of everything
i'm reluctant to try this
if it's only going to have a deadly outcome
so please
if you care even the slightest bit
let it go before you kill me
i'm telling you i don't have much left
no energy or hope
please dont let this be for your amusement
i don't want to be a pawn
in another useless game
i'm tired of playing
from now on i'd just like for things to be real
i'm way past pretending
if you're ready to grow up a little
if you're ready for this
show me you mean it

I call it bliss

Slow motion playback. Rewind and play it again. This is so fun. It's like nothing else matters when I'm in the moment. Careless and aimless we go through life, but this is the best. Play, this sweet music and dance with me. Pause, look at us having fun. Play, keep up it don't let the song end. Stop, oh no it's over. Promise me we'll do this again tomorrow. I'll bring the music if you just bring your bad self. We're gonna dance until the end of time, just like this. Disco may be out of style but we're making life the new craze. Everyone wants to be us, cause we're the best at dancing through life. Look at us go. I call this bliss.

love shines light and darkness

Would you swing with me, and watch the stars? Looking into the vastness of the night and knowing there is only us, here. Would you hold me tighter when the breeze blows, so cold upon my flesh? Hold me, like you're never letting go. Would you whisper how great it is, to be sitting here with me? Every minute, every breath, counted, and dreaded at the same time. Would you look me in the eyes, and spill your heart without ever saying a word? Words say so much, but I see your soul through your eyes and it says so much more. Would you cry if I left, the sadness ripping at your heart? Love is sad, but don't let it go.

Princess in a tower

Scream, out loud this time and not to myself. Rip the vocal chords. Let them know the pain inside. Smash the mirror, let it fall. A million pieces for a million tears that should not have fallen. As the air escapes the emotions flood and it becomes more than just a scream. Stand in the silence, shaking. Watch the unsteady hand, listen to the inhale, feel the rapid heart. To see the skin, to hear the breath, to feel the beat of the core, I am alive. A miracle in light of all that has happened. Confusion covers like a blanket and darkens all logic. I fear what has not happened is not far off. Life has been tested one too many times.

Expression

Breath stops. Breathe in. I suffocate with every intake. In the darkness, in the silence, quiet tears fall. With every move a twinge of pain, with every twinge a memory. The memories rip at my heart with a fierceness I've never known before. Why like this? Why me? I stare into the mirrors I can't avoid and wonder what I have done to deserve this. I've done nothing but my best to be all that I am. Apparently who I am is not enough, yet I still refuse to change. Why be like everyone else? Why live life as a mindless embodiment of "normalcy"? For that is not living at all, it is merely existing. I live to see beauty, life, and love. I see real things, I believe in real things. I am not fake, I do not try, I am not someone else to gain respect, love, or adoration. I am only me, can't you see that? I scream, I cry, I love, I feel, I am human. It is not unnatural to feel pain, to express the pain.

Project this on your TV screen

My old fears quelled but new ones arise. What to do now that I have what I do? The FEAR of waking up and realizing that this is all a dream, a foolish girly hope that should never come true. All of this is too good to be true, too much for a silly girl like me. Do I deserve the heart I hold? Perhaps the right question would be, do I deserve the pain I have because I hold this heart so far away from where it should be kept? The world isn't right, everything is so out of place. Something is missing, something is not right, I should be there and not here. There has formed a gaping hole in my existence where he belongs, and life doesn't seem worth living if he's not here. Everything feels so right now, but everything is so wrong. This is not how it's supposed to happen, I couldn't help who I fell in love with and when it happened, yet here I am putting love on hold.
Will there be a happy ending? The plot has thickened in my movie of life. I'm the damsle in distress in this action/horror/drama series, the fake ending has passed and now the bigger problem arises and everyone sits on the edge of their seats in suspense for the solution and the inevitable happy ending. Someone grab the remote and fast forward the suspense please. I'd miss everything between now and that moment, just to get to that moment. I'm desperate for this chapter to end and let the new one begin.
This movie can't go on without the lead role's supporting actor.

When I wish upon a star

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, wish I may, wish I might, have the wish, I wish tonight...The twinkling ball of light we've so many times wished upon has brought us nothing. When was the last time a star wish has come true? A true wish, a wish from the heart, a wish that you've thought about for a long time and not only want but desperately need. We are taught as children to hope and dream, but no one ever taught us how to deal with life when our hopes and dreams only let us down. I have never been told how to cure a broken heart, how to mend a torn friendship, or how to bandage a crushed dream. Of all the lessons, over all the years, not a single person has shared these secrets. Is it time to wonder whether anyone really knows?

Love is a many splendored thing

Today I realized, that love may not be what you think it is. I said "Love is different for everyone", and it is. However, no matter how many opinions of love you get there is always going to be some connection, something in common. So there is a common basic definition of love, is there not? The way that people define love differently is because they've had different experiences and they build on the basic definition differently than another person would. I still don't know if "love" is what happened, but what I do know is that it was different than anything else I had ever felt, anything I had ever experienced. The thing that I found truely amazing, was that I could feel that way, and have those same feelings returned (even if they weren't spoken feelings), without a lot of things that people define or base off of "love." If you can love somebody without ever kissing them, that's something, an amazing something.